wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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