I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
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