I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
