Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
