were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
remember earlier when I said I was over sex with random boys? take it back take it back take it back
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
Randomize
