I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
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