The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
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