tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
