im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
