i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
