I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Randomize
