Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
