Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
