When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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