Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
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