K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Randomize
