Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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