i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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