i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
Randomize
