The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Randomize
