you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize