Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
Randomize