dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
