Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize