Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
