She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
