when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize