Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
If that was your dad, he is hot
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
