Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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