A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Randomize
