She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
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