walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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