oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
