Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
Randomize
