you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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