Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
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