Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
