i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Someone shit on the floor
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
