I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
No that means he must've used the nipple clamps
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
