I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
