just scratched off #34 on my list of things to do before age 30 - drunk in a helicopter.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
You might have to deal with a coked up ex pan American gold medalist wrestler when you get back to the room
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
the reputation of my dick game is on the line. You're killing the team, here, G
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
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