Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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