I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
