I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
