then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Randomize
