nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
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