Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
