On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
