My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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