Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
