Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Randomize