Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
