Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
