White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
