matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
