nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
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