I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
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