When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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