Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
