So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
