I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
