Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
