I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
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