Fine. I'll sleep in my office
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
