Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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