I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
