I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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